Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
