so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
