I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
