I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize