Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
