I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
