I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
