i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
