I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
