Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
