you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
