You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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