i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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