Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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