she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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