All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
