apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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