I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
