2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
