sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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