Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
