I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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