I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
