im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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