So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
