If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
