I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
