her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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