some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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