Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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