i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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