The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
