he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
