worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
True strength comes from lack of pants
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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