Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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