After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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