i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
