I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
