dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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