Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
