saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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