He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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