either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
