I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
