I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize