Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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