Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
