someone threw a dead crab at me
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
