Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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