did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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