As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
