what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
