anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
