And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
