Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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