Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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