I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
