I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
