My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
